What The Hell's Wrong With Me?

I just realized that I own a very naughty pair of black fishnet stockings! I forgot all about that. Hmm...I'm thinking...black fishnets...black thong...black corset...showcasing all my naughtiness in its fine ass glory!!! LMFAO!! Yeah, keep holding your breath. >: P  I'm gonna get right on that. BRB...

Wish I believe like you do, yeah you, in the myth of a merciful god
In the myth of a heaven and hell
I hear the voices, do you hear the voices
Sometimes it gets so hard I feel like letting it go
Sometimes it gets so goddamn hard I feel like letting it all go

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District.
(Spellings have been left intact.)

1)My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.  
2)Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.  
3)Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33  
4)Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.  
5)Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  
6)John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.  
7)Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.  
8)Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.  
9)Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.  
10)Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.  
11)Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the parenthesis]   12)Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.  
13)Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.  
14)Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.  
15)I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.  
16)Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.  
17)Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.  

18)My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.  
19)Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.  
20)Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.   21)Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.  
22)Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.  
23)Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I > wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
                           And I LIVE here!! *whimpers-help me*

I would've waited forever
If I'd known that you'd be here
We could've shared our lives together
And held each other close all through the years
But I met someone before you
And my heart just couldn't wait
So no matter how much I adore you
I've got to stand behind the promise that I made
   Where were you when I could've loved you
   Where were you when I gave my heart away
   All my life I've been dreaming of you
   You came along one promise too late
I won't say that I'm sorry
That I met you
I can't have you
But I never will forget you
   Where were you when I could've loved you
   Where were you when I gave my heart away
   All my life I've been dreaming of you
   You came along one promise too late
   Where were you when I could've loved you
   Where were you when I gave my heart away
   All my life, Darling, I've been dreaming of you
   You came along one promise too late
   You came along one promise too late.

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

WOOHOOOOOO!!!! I picked up a sweet little dig. cam. and I'm gonna go snap happy tomorrow! Taking a drive up to Tenn. Don't know what there is to see but I'm going anyways. I'm a little ball of excitement wrapped up in happy. : D So anyways, stay tuned for fresh new pics!

   I read this and I couldn't stop laughing. First off, Margaret Cho is a ragin' hilarious comedian who's also talented in much the same way Chris Rock is and second, I thought this article just rubbed my funny bone the right way because this is pretty much what I think almost to a 'T'.

As quoted from November 28th's issue of People Magazine (Sexiest Man Alive-Matthew McConaughey)

   "I love funny guys. Funny guys really have the world in the palm of their funny little hands. Everyone loves funny guys, except of course other funny guys, but it doesn't really matter because truly funny guys are rare and they usually don't run into lots of competition. When they do, it is delightful for the rest of us because funny guys don't get into fistfights or barroom brawls like other guys might; they just try to be funnier than the other guy and we can just sit back and enjoy the show. Funny guys have an easy time with me because I don't trust handsome guys. If a handsome guy is interested in me, the first thing I think is, "He's gay." Then if he actually isn't, then I think he is a gigolo. If he doesn't play for pay, then I try to find something else that might be wrong with him.
   I don't like good-looking guys. They make me nervous. They make me mad, because I think that because they are so handsome, they must automatically think that I am fat. I know that is crazy, but I don't care. I never give handsome guys a chance, because I just think the world is good enough to them without me lending a hand. But a funny guy gets his way with me every time. I can't help it. I think I love funny guys because they try harder. For whatever reason, they couldn't get by on their looks. They weren't able to ride the good-gene gravy train like all those boring handsome guys. They had to learn how to charm others in order to get ahead. They had to work on their personality a little. Being able to make others laugh is considered a gift, but it is not one given to you by your parents on your birthday. You actually have to work at it, and pretty hard I think. Humor is often born out of pain and suffering, so usually, funny guys are the product of broken homes and out-of-control adolescent acne. Funny guys are usually survivors. They know what it is like to not get the girl, to strike out, to get picked last, and they pass the savings on to you. Funny guys have a knack for understanding others, because if they are really funny, they have probably had to deal with a lot, and part of being funny is knowing where everyone else is coming from. I would rather have a funny guy over a handsome guy any day, and all funny guys are smart, which is not always true with handsome guys. I would prefer lying in bed all day with Eugene Levy to a night out clubbing with Orlando Bloom. I don't even know what clubbing is. It sounds painful, like it might involve baby seals and therefore is something I absolutely would not want to do. Funny guys are better than any other kind of guy in the world, and if you don't think so you don't know any.

War Of The Worlds fucking RULES!!!! That is all.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him."
************************************
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
************************************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

   She sits in the dark with nothing more than half faded memories for company. The blurred images, distorted nearly beyond recognition, frolick here and there behind her eyes. The gentle flickers of firelight caress her face with its soft warmth but the cold has burrowed deep into her bones. She knows they are there; Shadows that haunt her nights and torment her with the promise of deep sleep that she knows  will never be delivered. They flit from corner to corner in that room, just out of reach of the light. Her only companions in these dark days. She draws closer to the flames, seeking warmth and finding none. His eyes haunt her nights; promises of love and solace in his arms. But the Shadows hiss their evil. They tell her there is no such thing in this God forsaken world. Not for her. She is undeserving. She is condemned to a mortal hell and when Death comes for her she will be sentenced to another mortal hell, same as the last. One after the other. Such is her punishment for rejecting the immortal love of an angel for one mortal man. One man who went to an early grave because of her love. One man punished for the pride of an immortal. And so she sits. And waits. Waits for Death's arrival and for the Shadows to escort her to her next hell. The hell of her own making...

"In God's eyes
We're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings"

This is from Mark Wills' Don't Laugh At Me which is an incredibly beautiful song. This line from the chorus is so touching and I hope it's true. I'm a self proclaimed heathen but there are some things that I like to believe in. Without faith of some sort, what do you have?

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Sisters

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.

"Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too.

"You'll need other women. Women always do."

'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned: THIS SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.

Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.

Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful.

   Wisdom that must not be forgotten...

Would've been nice to have been told about #4 before I started high school and #7 applies to just about every guy I know.

Ten Things I Learned From Freshman Year In High School

1. If you don't know what you're talking about, shut up.
2. It doesn't matter how close you were with people from last year, because they've all either changed or fallen off the face of the earth.
3. Don't talk shit. I've seen more shit-talkers get there ass kicked in freshman year than in the rest of my schooling combined.
4. NEVER call the prinicipal an asshole to his face.
5. No matter where you are guys, if you walk into an occupied womens bathroom, they WILL scream and you WILL get hairbrushes, lipsticks, mirrors, tampons, etc. thrown at you.
6. Ladies, if you're ever curious about how dirty the guys bathrooms are, don't go in. You're better off not knowing, trust me.
7. When an opportunity comes up to do something so incredibly stupid you'll be laughing about it in detention/OCS/prison forever, ALWAYS take it.
8. You can retake a class but you can't relive a party.
9. Most friends will tell you they'll be with you always, but few will actually do it.
10. Hang on to those people.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE. Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy
winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature
gave
me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about
an eight-week-old Black Labrador Retriever.

"I'm naked and I'm far from home." Save Me  Queen

   Sometimes when you look at me it seems the thought stalking around behind your eyes is, "Why are you still here? Why won't you just leave?" And when I ask, "What?" your response, "Nothing." That's what I've been reduced to, "Nothing." 14 years of my life that I gladly gave with all the love I could muster and it all comes down to that: "Nothing." The value of my life, my love, my loyalty, my pain, my tears, my blood, my existence: "Nothing."
   Nothing, indeed.

   I can tell you right now that today's going to suck. It's 7 a.m. RIGHT NOW in MS and it looks like the sun just went down. It's dark, it's raining so hard it's actually known as 'pissing' in some parts of the country. There are intermitten cracks of thunder (not to be confused with the rolling, booming thunder of California) and huge jagged streaks of lightning. The rain is actually hitting the ground so hard it's turning to mist when it comes back up. Oh yeah, and somewhere on my property a tree went down. I don't know where just yet (you're out of your damn mind if you think I'm going out there right now) but I heard it splinter then slam to the ground not too far behind my house. As soon as that happened there was this God awful explosion of white light and I thought the tree took out the power lines that run right behind my house. Scared me for a second. My only thought was, "Shit!!! I can't get on Buzznet today!" Yeah, I gots my priorities. But lucky for all the boys and girls out there that wasn't the case. It was just some wicked evil lightning which is making me a tad uncomfortable. I'm not going to worry unless I hear there's a tornado tear assing toward my house. I might sweat a little if I hear that.
   On a lighter note, I made a mean-ass meatloaf last night and I'm thinking that sounds pretty damn good for breakfast right about now....

To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.-Mark Twain 

   I can't argue with the fact that it's a nice thought but for some it's a little more difficult to find that joy in the dark with no one to walk beside you. But in every darkness there's always that slight pinpoint of light off in the distance; be it the flame from a single candle burning bright within the heart of the one meant for you or the single star brightly defying the night sky. But there is that light to guide you along the pitted road of Trial & Error. Now that is something worth thinking about and holding onto.

"Each morning I get up I die a little, can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror & I cry, "Lord what're you doing to me?"

I work hard every day of my life, I work til I ache in my bones
At the end of the day I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I go down on my knees each night & I pray
Til the tears run down from my eyes

Can anybody find me somebody to love..."

   Sometimes the road of Trial & Error is littered with sharp rocks. Mistakes are only noticed when they make you bleed. Sometimes you don't realize the pain is there because it's so tremendous that your mind instantly numbs you to keep it from killing you. Sometimes it seems that the emptiness can and will swallow you whole and you know that down in the dark there are teeth. The pain and misery won't kill you instantly. There's no mercy within that darkness. No mercy and no relief from the pain. Just madness. There are varying levels of Hell. It's neither an eternal flaming pit of fire and brimstone nor is it an arctic wasteland of despair and devastation. It's the darkest, most nightmarish room in the furthest reaches of your mind that you'll be sentenced to. The room you'll be thrown inside of with no windows, no door, no escape. Your Hell will be the Hell of your own making.

 Just when you think that you can't take any more pain, any more shitty days, any more loneliness and despair, you wake up and the sky is bluer than you remember from the days of your innocence. The sun is blinding and so warm that you just stand outside and soak up the heat. The breeze is fresh and clean and cleanses all the darkness out of your lungs and mind. For the first time in days, weeks, months you can look out at the world with clear eyes and feel that maybe, just maye, Hope will return to you with open arms and give you the strength to shoulder your burden. That you may finally be able to put one foot in front of the other and continue along your path. Lift your head up high and focus your eyes and take those steps forward. Your future won't come to you, you must go to your future.

Have you ever chugged a tall can of Rock Star and then immediately chased it with two tall bottles of ice cold Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino? Yeah, don't do that shit, it ain't funny.

  I can't take any more of this night. I'm tired of trying not to cry and hating myself for feeling so goddamn fucking weak. I'm not usually such a fucking girl but some days it gets to be too damn much. Just when I think I've dealt with all the pain I can handle, more of it comes along. I conditioned myself years ago to 'do without' but every now and then an ice pick makes its way right between my ribs. Just to remind me that I'm not impervious to pain just yet. To remind me of what I once had and what's been missing for so long. I could live the rest of my life 'doing without' if only I weren't reminded of that. It's too hard. Too exhausting. Too much to bear. I get knocked down and sometimes I don't want to get up. Just lay there and bleed out. Escape the pain. It's too much...I'm going to bed now. Put an end to this night. Hopefully it'll go quickly and the sun will burn away all the Shadows and take this burden with it...bring the warmth that I so desperately need to chase away the cold within. Take the weight off long enough to get through the day. Why must I continue this Journey alone? Why must I always be so alone...? I can't do this anymore...it's too hard...I'm too tired...I need to sleep...and dream...always the dreams...

The sun has already gone down; it's dark out. The bugs are making a racket and there's just a hint of a chill in the air. It's quite refreshing after the warm day we had here in MS. There was no problem today. It was bright and I was (dare I say it) almost chipper. But I don't do chipper so I'll say that I was in a good mood. All seemed right with the world. Now the sun has gone to brighten someone else's day and I'm feeling like I need to get on that road West and drive til I hit the Pacific. Cruise that Hwy 20 through the mountains; breathe deep that fresh, cleansing mountain air til I break free of the range and smell the crisp, salt-saturated air of the coast and see nothing but that beautiful, endless white-capped blue. Feel the lump in my throat when I'm bombarded with a barrage of memories from summers and Christmas' past; feel the coarse grit beneath my bare feet; the warm water lap at my calves; the cool breeze coming in off that eternal expanse of lush blue. Go back to simpler times when I was free and unburdened. Where there was no weight on my shoulders. Where it was okay to be myself and exist. Back to that time when there was such a thing as Hope. I need to get on that road West...get on that road and drive...

The Dark Side Of The Moon

I face the light with my soul in shadow
I dwell in midnight at high noon
My smile matches the radiance of the sun
But my eyes reflect the dark side of the moon
Look into my eyes, dearly beloved,
And tell me, what do you see?
The maiden who dances with the devil by moonlight
Or an eternity of hell deep within me
If you looked into my heart
Would you find the light and joy that you so long seek to know
Or would the battle within tear you apart
As you screamed your agony from the depths below
Do you see now why I face the light with my soul in shadow
Why I dwell in midnight at high noon
And though my smile will match the eternal radiance of the sun
My eyes will forever reflect the dark side of the moon.

This work is the original creation of Alison McDaniel. Plagiarism will warrant a visit from the author who has almost zero conscience and NO problem with burying your thieving, stinking, rotting carcass somewhere on her very wooded 10 acres. You have been warned. Have a nice day.

"So if you're lonely you know I'm here waiting for you."  Franz Ferdinand  Take Me Out

Windsong (a Tribal Sister of mine) was kind enough to give me permission to paste the following onto my site and I decided to put them here as well. These are sweet and flat out funny. They get better as you go further down. (Hmmm, that just sounded all kinds of naughty.) Don't let me keep you; by all means, read on and laugh. You know you want to...

 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes, Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

Tell me this shit wasn't funny!!

"When I woke up tonight I said IIIIIIIII'MMMM gonna make somebody love me." Yeah, now THAT's a freakin' goal. I should get me one of those. So this doesn't count as a journal entry. It's more like a 'blurb' so it totally doesn't count. Maybe I'll post more later. When I get more pics!! WOOHOO!! Later today I'm gonna go pick up some new pictures from the 3 roles of film I dropped off day before yesterday and I hope that I'll get at LEAST a couple of decent pics of me. The one on my profile is from earlier this summer (taken with a camera phone) so I hope I can get something a little more decent up. Although that is a pretty good shot of me. I'm not photogenic at all so getting a nice pic of me is really difficult. I only wish I were being modest. But we'll see. I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm...oh. You're still here. *looks down sheepishly* Umm, that's just my happy dance. You weren't supposed to see that. Anyways..uhhh...hmmm...Oh yeah-so later I hope that I'll have some new pics up in my gallery. Later this evening. I know, you're hopping with excitement right now. Relax, you'll get to see plenty later. ;) Okay, enough for now. Be back later. Stay tuned...

I want arms that will feel...
   ...electric

I want kisses that will make me...
   ...shiver

I want a strong body...
   ...entwined with mine

I want shoulders that are...
   ...solid and there

I want eyes...
   ...that will see me

I want a heart...
   ...to love me

I want a soul...
   ...to embrace me

I want...
   ...to be important to someone

I want...
   ...to be relevant

I want...
   ...to live again.

I don't know what's up with me. Yesterday started out as a beautiful day. Not a problem except for the occasional mental gripe. But then once the sun went down and it started to get cold my emotional/mental state changed. I became a little more morose and I couldn't wait to go to bed and sleep just to make the day end a little quicker. Although I now have a rather sizeable group of individuals (dare I call them friends yet?) who kept me up late laughing my fucking ass off. I actually had an incredible time. You'd probably be surprised at how important laughter is to me. I can't go a day without it and when I do it messes me up for a few days. Laughter, it turns out, is the Light that keeps Darkness at bay. I never could understand that until a few years ago. At least that's what works for me. I love being around people who make me laugh and making them laugh and perhaps even shocking them a bit in return. It really does wonders for me. So now my Friends list is a little longer than it was yesterday morning. Great conversations, great laughs, great discussions. What more could I possibly want? We'll get into that another time. So at the moment it's 7:10 a.m. and we'll see where the day takes me. Not very far from home, I imagine. At least not physically. Mentally? Now that's a whole other story...

Perhaps I'll feel like getting into this later.

Stay With Me
Shakespeare's Sister

If this world is wearing thin
And you're thinking of escape
I'll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains
But if you try to go alone
Don't think I'll understand

Stay with me
Stay with me

In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no inbetween
When your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more

Stay with me
Stay with me

You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe
   Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray that you'll wake one day
   In your own world
Cause when you sleep at night they don't hear your cries
   In your own world
Only time will tell if you can break the spell
   Back in your own world

Stay with me
Stay with me

I look out the windows all day today and the only consistent thought that runs through my damn head is, "I fucking HATE today." Fucking hate it. Days like this make me a little violent. Like the weather itself is cajoling me into hurting someone. Anyone. I live in the south, trust me, I walk a quarter mile in any direction and I can find someone just begging for a good solid beat down. Today's a shitty goddamn day. It's dark, but it won't rain, it's slightly breezy but not windy, it's chilly but not cold. Fuck. Pick something already. Today pretty much mirrors my mood. I just look out the window and I want to drive somewhere and just run people over. I left California to get away from the things that made me violent. I don't need this shit again. The fucking weather, of all things. *sigh* Some days it's just not worth waking up. Some days it's just better to stay in bed if for no other reason than the good of the general public. Even though the general public deserves it. They are very open about their racism here. In California it's there but at least they have the decency to know that it's something to be ashamed of and it's wrong. Not here. I swear to God if I see one more fucking bumper sticker that proclaims "The South Will Rise Again!!" I'm gonna yank ol' Billy Joe out of his cab and beat him to within an inch of his worthless inbred life with a tire iron. Or my Maglite. And if his dick sucking sister (who'm he was probably fingering) has something to say about it I'll yank her out too and put my foot so far up her drippy, scummy white trash ass that she chokes to death on my fucking shoe laces. I fucking HATE it here. Mississippi sucks so much fucking ass...So anyways, the weather sucks today. That's all for now. Enjoy your evening.