What The Hell's Wrong With Me?

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

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Memo to all employees:

   In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)
   We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If  you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.
   Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
   Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
  For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
  If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

 Thank you,

 BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

 (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)


 P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

 The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

The road I walk is muddied by the blood of so many broken hearts. Tears rain down from the black clouds and the anguished screams of the eternal suffering of tragic souls booms across the sky. I walk with shoulders slumped and head down. I focus on nothing. The wind drives the rain to my bones in an attempt to freeze me in my tracks. I've lost my way and there's no light to guide me. I keep moving in the hopes that I'll find that light again. The promise of distant warmth.

Loyal-Can't get a job anywhere else

Great Presentation Skills-Able to bullsh*t

Good Communication Skills-Spends a lot of time on the phone

Average Employee-Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified-Made no blunders yet

Active Socially-Drinks a lot

Family Is Socially Active-Spouse drinks, too

Character Above Reproach-Still one step ahead of the law

Quick Thinker-Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker-Won't make a decision

Plans For Advancement-Buys drinks for all the boys

Aggressive-Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Job-Gets someone else to do it

Independent Worker-Nobody knows what he/she is doing

Expresses Themselves Well-Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail-Nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities-Is tall/has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgement-Lucky

Of Great Value To The Organization-Gets to work on time

Keen Sense Of Humor-Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded-Backstabber

Relaxed Attitude-Sleeps at desk

Currently Listening
You Could Have It So Much Better
By Franz Ferdinand
I'm Your Villain
"If I could laugh I'd love you
If I could smile at anything you said
We could be laughing lovers
I think you'd prefer to be miserable instead
If I could love I'd love you
If I could love like anybody else
I know what I am-I'm your Villain
I don't give a damn if I'm your Villain."

There are many truths here-we as humans can learn alot from our fur friends.

This is wonderful....enjoy.



The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings


The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.