What The Hell's Wrong With Me?

1. I need to whip it out by 5.

2. Mind if I use your laptop?

3. Just stick it in my box.

4. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.

5. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

6. Hmmm... I think it's out of fluid.

7. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

8. It's an entry-level position.

9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

10. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too.

4. Our last trip to pee, we realized that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just 4 hours ago.

5. We drop our 3am sub sandwich on the floor, which we’re eating even though we aren’t the least bit hungry, pick it up and carrying on eating it.

6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love him or her sooo much.

7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “Oh my God! I love this song!”

8. We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

9. The man we’re flirting with used to be our 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us.

11. Our eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and are pretty good at it.

13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin.

14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (er, or the mop).

15. We start every conversation with a booming “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”

16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it.

17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pant to cut down on the time we’re in the bathroom away from our drink.

20. We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problem walking straight.

Send this along to all the girls you know who like to have fun. Make them laugh at themselves like you probably did…Sadly, many of them are true. What's even sadder is the fact that I've known a lot of girls who don't even need to drink to be guilty of any of these.

Happy Happy Birthday Aimee Ann!!!

The Birthday Girl is the little cutie on the right. Not to be confused with the future cutie in the back.

1. Blaming your farts on me... Not funny... Not funny at all !!!


2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!


3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... Stop it!


5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.


6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.


9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! ?You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed"

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table a! nd started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to! do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)

Send this to five phenomenal women today...they'll love you for it!  I just did.


THEN, GO TO BED!

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.

Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.

Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you."

~Pueblo Blessing ~

Nothing along your path is ever easy and if it is it isn't worth having.

"Roses are red

violets are korny,

when I think of you

Ohh baby I get horny,

Eat me,

Beat me,

Bite me,

Blow me,

Suck me,

Fuck me,

Very Slowly,

if you kiss me,

don't be sassy,

Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!



Pass this on to at least 8 people... If you get it back at least 5 times, you know you're a SEXY beast !

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? They don't have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? They don't stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

 (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN? You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? Don't know.....it's never happened.

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart then you need to see a doctor about getting that stick removed.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!!

You're A Passed Out Drunk Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car...

 

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofdrunkareyouquiz/

Can't sleep. My eyes feel gritty and my back is sore but I can't sleep. I just lay there staring into the darkness and I feel...horny. Go figure. Need to be fucked. Should probably work on that. Fuck it. I don't even care. The horniness isn't even a need. More of an observation really. I have observed and now...disregarded. *Poof* Gone. Just like that. The breeze coming through the windows is cool and beautiful. Been hot the past week. +80F the past few days. Slept with my windows open last night. So nice. Probably do the same tonight if I could figure out a way to chase that vindictive bitch Insomnia the fuck out of here. Tired of her triflin' ass. Fuck. Body's sore and tired but my mind is just tearing up that hamster wheel tonight. Damn thing's not even squeaking it's turning so fast. Just too bad that there's no creativity going on in there. Mindless shit. Fragments of memories and thoughts and shattered dreams. Fragments with razor sharp edges. Draw your blood without feeling a damn thing. Beautiful color. Love it. Should paint my walls that color but too much will give you nightmares. Run down the walls and drown you in your sleep. Choke on it. Fill your lungs with thick, hot fluid. Taste of rancid copper and the smell oh-so metallic. Familiar. Been there before; can't remember. Need to sleep. So many needs and no fulfillment. Will go now. Try to find my elusive lover. He likes to tease. Promises to kiss me and let me slumber but he lets Her get in the way instead. I think he finds it amusing. I don't know why. Maybe he likes to be needed. Probably.

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.  There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go.  Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had  a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
  
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........Well, Shit Happens!!!

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can  die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.