What The Hell's Wrong With Me?

Late one night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked. "My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement." The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour there was still no sign of the watch."Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by. "About half a block up the street," replied the drunk. "Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?" The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Yeah, you're right."

Two guys were sitting in a bar in Dublin when one turned to the other and said: "You see that chap over there? Don't you think he looks just like me?" The man went over to his doppelganger and said: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're a dead ringer for me." "You're right, I do look like you." "Where are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too." "Which street?" "Kilfoyle Road." "Kilfoyle Road? That's incredible. That's my road too. What number?" "76." "76. I don't believe it. Me too. What are your parents' names?" "Joe and Kitty." "Joe and Kitty. Unbelievable. So are mine." Just then, the bartenders changed shifts. "Anything happened?" said the new bartender. "Nothing much," said the old one. "Oh, except the Murphy twins are drunk again."

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" he ask.

He answers, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, No other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

I truly hope she's now found the peace that seemed to elude her in life.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2007-02-08-anna-nicole-collapse_x.htm?csp=34

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20011223,00.html

According to http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/new-mexico/

"Idiots may not vote."

That really is a state law.